Graduating from self pity

So this weekend we have finally been able to move into our new house! We are renting, but it is so nice to be in a house instead of an apartment where I have to keep Xoe quiet so I don't wake the people next door or upstairs or downstairs. It is a cute little old home and I think we are both super excited to be back on our own.

On another note this weekend has really brought me into some deeper thoughts. All of my high school friends are graduating college this weekend. I am so proud of each and every one of them. But it brings me into thinking about my life. I decided to do things the non-traditional way, much to my family's dismay. Don't get me wrong, they are happy for me that I am married and have an adorable little girl who I wouldn't trade for money, fame, or anything this world can offer. But there seems to be this lingering question in my mind about what if I had done things the way I planned. I value education and have always wanted to open my own preschool for under privileged children who live in homes where their families can't afford to pay for preschool. In high school I always thought I would graduate, spend 4 yrs at Berry College, graduate with an Early Childhood Education degree, and go off to teach somewhere. After 1 semester, my dreams came tumbling down when my school informed me my scholarship wouldn't get me through the next semester, so I took a semester off without a choice since I didn't have time to move home and enroll somewhere without being VERY behind. I also met Jason. I was sooo in love with him. He was so different from the guys of my past and he actually encouraged my dreams and loved me despite my quirkiness. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I did another semester of school and we got married. We knew we wanted kids early on and we want atleast 4, so we started trying and within weeks we were pregnant! I was so happy!! But there was always that lingering voice telling me I should have done things the "right" way. I love my family and I love my life, but I don't really fit in anywhere because of my choice to be a young mom and go to school while parenting. I have friends in all different walks of life. Some are young parents who got pregnant before marriage, some are older people with children close to Xoe's age who experienced college and have a degree. Some are friends who are dating or getting married soon. Some are married with no kids. But where does that leave me? I am the odd man out. I know I chose this life, but I don't think I realized how incredibly lonely it could be. Even my grandmother says things like," I love Xoe, but I wish you didn't have her yet. You should have finished school and been married longer." I understand that IS the "normal" way to do things, but I couldn't let the man of my dreams get away, and I couldn't give up this life for the way I'm supposed to do things. So I'm graduating from being a person who fits the mold. I'm going to graduate from being who everyone wants me to be and be who I want to be. Who I am called to be. I'm unique, but I will get my degree (in 2014! ha ha!) and I will have a happy family, even if we are poorer than dirt! I will stay home with my kids like I always wanted, and me and Jason will sacrifice friendships and eating out and living the good life to make sure our family has a place to live and food on the table. And I will be thankful for the weird and hectic life I have chosen!! :)

Sorry to ramble...just some thoughts on my mind.

The renewal of Easter...

So this weekend is going to be awesome!!!! First of all, IT'S EASTER weekend!!! Which is always fun because there just seems to be such a renewing attitude from people everywhere. People seem to know this weekend is different even if they don't necessarily believe in Jesus and his resurrection, they seem to feel the start of something new. It's like everyone has a new beginning and it's a refreshing thing to remember that this weekend we celebrate the cross and the new life we can have because of it.

Secondly, I have packed this weekend full of wonderful things. Today I spent time with Leah and some new ladies and their adorable kids. They were fun to talk to, and mommy time is always appreciated!!! Then, tonight my sis has her b-day party so the house is full of cute lil 12 and 13 year olds running around everywhere. It brings back memories of middle school. I wasn't really much of a social butterfly back then, but I remember the things that I so innocently used to enjoy. I loved to read, listen to music, talk on the phone, play school, and gossip about boys. I am so proud of my lil sis and she is such a beautiful and wonderful young woman. She loves Jesus with all her heart and she really lives it out, more than I did at her age!! I love her so much!!!! Anyways, tomorrow I will be hanging out with Emily and her husband and I am so excited! It will be super fun and it will be nice for Xoe to go hang out with Chase. They are so funny together.

Then, Jason's mom is coming to town. That will be so nice! I know Jason is excited to see her since he doesn't get to see his family much. I know he misses his family, and I feel bad that we don't have the time to go visit them in Florida. So it will be nice to have her here for some time!

It is times like these that I realize how blessed I really am. Despite the fact that we have so many loose ends in our lives, and we have no idea how things are supposed to work out, when I think about the bigger things, and I realize how much God is in control, I can truly appreciate the few things I do have. I can appreciate that I have a loving husband, even though we have been having a hard time lately. I have an absolutely beautiful daughter is so worth every minute I can spend with her. And most importantly, I have a loving Savior who has taken me from the ugly person I was and has made me a beautiful creation through His blood. I have to cling to Him. I have to let Him be my hope, my strength, my love.

Money mom....

So these past couple weeks have been pretty stressful when it comes to money. I feel like we get so close to finding somewhere to live...then something happens and it falls through. We think we have finally found a good place...but since our budget doesn't even exist...we have had a hard time finding anything to fit our super small budget. I have been looking everywhere and I feel like I could be a real estate agent with all the properties I have found. I have been making phone calls throughout the day and almost every evening for the past week or so. My email has been flooded by a lady at an apartment complex which was the most difficult apt complex to get approved for. After 4 weeks of paper work and multiple visits...it was a no go. We were approved but after 4 weeks of going back and forth with these people it really isn't worth it. But we are thankful it took that long, because, as always,it was part of THE PLAN. We found a perfect little 2 bed 1 bath brick house in a perfect location in between Jason's work and Douglasville where we attend church! It has a lot more room and although it is old, it is cheaper and will be a great place for us! We are so excited about this! It came right in time!!! so hopefully this will work out!

My next money saving opportunity is COUPONING!!!! I am becoming a coupon mom!! Now, for a family who doesn't HAVE to...it sounds like fun! For a family forced into only buying things on sale that I can use a coupon for, it is going to be a little stressful at first, because if I mess up, I will be paying money that I don't have for things I need. So, hopefully this couponing will go well and I am excited about one of my friends teaching me and the extra time we will get to spend together learning together and shopping together!

I must say, in the midst of all my fears, I am so grateful to have a reliable God who always provides and who sees everything that I can't see. I am so glad He is in control and that He knows the big picture. I don't know how people survive without the knowledge and comfort that there is someone in control of everything and this world is not just utter chaos!!!!

The journey...

So...we are looking for somewhere to live. I am trying to continue trusting that God has this home somewhere that He is preparing and He is working on the hearts of the people we will be working with to get it. This journey so far has not taken us anywhere, but there has to be a home for my family somewhere. I get frustrated because we were so close to buying a home. We found some places we were super interested in and my credit is good, but it being our first home we have to have a co-signer. Now don't get me wrong, I am not angry or upset about any of this, but lucky us, both of our parents have gone through foreclosures. So, we are left at square 1. We still can't get a house. I am so grateful to my parents for letting us crash at their home, and it has been great getting to be here during this time of having a new baby and Jason starting a new job. I have had many people to help during what could have been a really hard time. So, I know God has been looking out for us, but it is time for our family to be just us. Xoe needs her own space and I want to be the woman of the house and Jason needs to be the man of our house. So...we wait. I feel like that's all we ever do...wait.

Rainy Days

So rainy days give you time to think and want to be lazy. Today has definitely been one of those days. I guess Xoe felt the same way. She slept a lot today. As for me, I did a lot of just laying around. It was a nice day to relax...but I felt kinda yucky. Been kinda worried about Xoe's progress with her torticollis, we are trying to buy a house (if we can get a co-signer), we are working through marriage (which has been harder with Jason's new job), we are planting a church, trying to get through school, etc. So today was a nice break to just sit around and watch a lifetime movie and relax. These kinda days don't happen for me anymore as a mom...so it was such a great day! But these rainy days make me feel blue. No particular reason...just yucky and gross outside brings out gross feelings in me! Hopefully soon the sun will come back out so we can get outside and be happy!!

Friends

Alright...this post is to all my friends...though you are one of the few!!

I keep my friends close. I don't have a lot of people I call friends simply because you must be really worth it to me for me to call you that. You must be someone I can rely on, someone who doesn't get angry at the fact that it takes me forever to get back to people, someone who understands that my life is hectic and sometimes friends tend to fall to the wayside when I am worried about my marriage, my baby, school, etc., and just someone who is kind and loving. I have had the gossip friends, I have had the funny friends, I have had the shallow friends, but at this point in my life, I'm really trying to choose wisely. I want people who can encourage me, people who support and understand me.

All of this to say, to those few who I call my true friends, thank you for who you are. I know I am so blessed to have people who I can trust and count on to be there for me, and after having Xoe, that group has shifted and grown! I'm excited for what the future holds for my life and our friendships!!! :)

Marriage...

"Marriage isn't always easy".

It's a common thing married people say when you are about to get married. It's a ridiculous understatement!!! People don't tell you how frustrating your wonderful spouse can be. They forget to mention how many times you will question if this was a mistake. They don't tell you about the times they want to get away, but since you now live together you can't just go home. They don't mention the times you will just want to cry and scream because of something your spouse does. Or how annoying even the smallest things can be now that you are living with this person 24/7.

But they also don't tell you about the way your spouse will look at you. The way you will feel when you feel their warmth lying next to them in bed. They keep quiet about the times they smile together, all the times they laugh together. They never mention the pride that comes when things get worked out.

So today was a test of what Jason and I have. We fought and felt frustrated with one another. I'm still feeling anger and hurt...but we made a life long commitment. We are "stuck" together! I think this fight will make us stronger together! I want to become the woman of God I was created to be and part of that is being the wife I am supposed to be. So I will strive to be better...

6 Months

So my baby is officially 6 months old. She is getting bigger everyday. I can't believe how old she is. I found out I was pregnant about 14 months ago. I remember I went to the pregnancy resource center to find out. I remember the excitement and anxiety I felt. I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I remember calling my mom and telling her, and just looking at Jason and telling him "we are pregnant"!!! I couldn't have imagined then how much love and care swells up inside me when I see her. I never could have imagined how much fun it is to have a baby. I love being a mom, but not just because of the times when me and Xoe can play and laugh and smile together, but for the times she is crying and needs me. The times when she would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and I got to get an extra hour with her even if it was 2 am. I love the times she is scared and needs me to comfort her, the times she is hungry and needs me to feed her, the times she is mad and needs me to cheer her up. I love the work it takes to raise a child. I love knowing that one day, she will grow up and be who God intended her to be because I taught her how to trust Him. I love my 6 month old, healthy baby. She is perfect for me!!!

Jason...

So lemme just start by saying that this is a story about my relationships...but since it ends with Jason...I decided to title it that.
It started in high school, I was an awkward, crazy, loud young innocent girl. In middle school I actually held my boyfriend's hand...and that was a BIG deal!!! So here I was, a freshman and I found my first love. He was the man of my dreams (or so I thought). He was funny and loved music. He came to church with me and was baptized at my parents' house. We had so much fun going out and hanging out. We were practically best friends. We did everything together. We drove with the windows down singing at the top of our lungs. But, it was too good to be true. After five years, we ended. Just like that. We remained friends for a while, but as time passed by, things just ended as abruptly as they had begun.

Next, I spent some time with a wonderful man. This guy was probably there to help me heal. We also enjoyed singing together and going out. We did all kinds of things. This one was gentler, kinder, he was a healer. He was more mature, older. Our relationship ended and we both moved on. But to this day, we have remained friends. He is a wonderful guy and I am so glad we are friends!

Then, along came the man God had been preparing for me. He was handsome, loving, caring, kind, gentle, fun. He was everything I had not only wanted, but needed. He was so charming. We fell in love like I had never experienced before. And that is where it ended. We were married, had a beautiful daughter Xoe, and  the rest is yet to come. But, he is definitely where my love ended. He is my best friend, my support, my husband, my baby's daddy, my confidant, my everything. I love with all my heart. He is a good leader. He loves God and leads our family to a wonderful relationship with God. He is my role model. I never thought I could be this happy, but now I know why God created man and woman to be together.

Mommyhood and wifehood...

I LOVE my life! I love being a mom, I love being a wife, I love being me. Xoe is at the stage right now where everyday is a new adventure. She is growing so fast! One day she is a tiny infant in my arms so adorable and tiny. She didn't smile (on purpose), she didn't make sounds (on purpose), she didn't laugh. She was just totally dependent. Now I have this adorable baby who is so big! All 16 lbs of her! She is sooo long I can't hold her in my arms laying down anymore. She is talking, laughing, and almost sitting up on her own! She does new things everyday. She will sing in the car to the radio. She is just such an angel. She is such a happy and pleasant baby!! I am sooo in love!!

I LOVE my husband! Jason is the man of my dreams! He is loving, caring, kind, outgoing! Just everything I ever wanted! He has been so patient with me as I make mistakes as a wife and a mom. He has been such a wonderful daddy to Xoe. I always make comments about her being a daddy's girl, but considering the fact that her daddy is sooo great, I'm so ok with that! He loves her so much. He is so much fun! We enjoy our time together so much. I feel very fortunate because not all married couples can say that. He has always encouraged me to follow my dreams, but more importantly, he is right there next to me holding my hand and following my dreams with me. He has just been awesome.

I am such a blessed woman! I love my family so much!  

My Life...

So this weekend has been fun! My brother, Taylor, brought home some friends from college! We had a great time! His friends were great kids and we enjoyed feeding the homeless in ATL with them! It was awesome! We went to the Bankhead Village (which I LOVE) and saw George and James and Rico. They are awesome!! Brandon had his album release party last night. His band did an AMAZING job!! We all had a great time! It was awesome! Xoe has been just growing like a weed! She is getting so big and I am loving being a mommy!! :) My life is everything I want it to be right now! I am so blessed with a great family and so many (unspoken) awesome things that are happening! I am just so grateful to be alive with a loving family, friends, and new adventures everyday! Sorry this is short and sweet but that's just how my life is right now. I am not eternal on this Earth and yet it is short but sweet!! :)

The Darkness...

today I sit and ponder about "Celebrate the Darkness". I am reading Brennan Mannings book"The Signature of Jesus" and chapter 7 was "celebrate the darkness". Now, when I think about this I think about worshiping during the hard times in life...but I think it is more than that. I can't quote anything from his book because I am sitting here at work and don't have his book in front of me. However, I am realizing that all these years I have spent in church listening to preachers, good and bad, I have never heard about this darkness. Now, I realize I am only 22 years old, but don't you think I should hear about this before I experience it? Well apparently no one thought that, so I have sat for about 2 years now in this darkness feeling like a failure. For those of you who have not read his book, which I highly recommend, this darkness is those times when the newness of our faith wears off and we sit waiting and wondering where is God? Did He just decide to leave me? So many preachers use all this fancy talk about God and how great He is and what a wonderful God He is and how much He loves us. Or they spend time condemning people who don't agree with them and feeling like they have this authority over everyone and they are the only people who could possibly know what God wants. But no one tells you that at some point in life you are going to not only question His existence, but you will question His character. You will feel like David did in the Psalms when he cried out asking if God was deaf. I am not saying any of this to talk about the sadness of the darkness...but the celebration part is that you come out stronger...those times are what make you fall to your knees and pray more than you ever have before. Those are the moments when you are at a crossroads in your faith...you can totally turn your back on Him at this moment and never look back. Or you can choose to continue to search for Him. You can look around and eventually you will find Him because although He is quiet, He is still there. My only complaint about this time in people's life is that no one prepares you for it. We are told it's ok to doubt our faith as long as we still have faith, but what about those times when we feel alone? It isn't enough to say "you aren't alone, God is there". What a stupid response to someone who feels that way. So as a Christian, I am making a commitment that from now on, I will not hide this feeling I have had, I will share it. Esp with people who are newbies. They should never be told all the good without the bad. To say "it's a hard road" is an understatement. So right now I am praying for all those preachers who make Christianity into something it's not, because you are doing many people a real injustice.

Ps- sorry for my soap box...I just had to tell you these new profound discoveries I am having!!

A letter to Xoe

 Xoe,


You entered in our lives at just the right time. You were so perfect when you were born. We looked at you and knew we were in love. You made me realize that love is something so perfect. So infinite. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love you. You are the most beautiful and sweet girl. You bring a smile to my face when I am sad. It's like you know me from the deepest part of my soul. When I look at you its like looking at the most innocent and perfect thing ever. I am human, so I will mess up. I already have. I am learning what you do when you're hungry, sleepy, hurting, etc. I won't always do the right thing. I won't be able to fix your broken heart. I won't be able to fix your boo-boos. I can't always help you and I can't always be with you. But I will do my best to be the mommy you need me to be. I will always love you. I will always protect you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I will always do everything I can to be the person you need me to be. I will teach you how to tie your shoes, how to brush your hair, how to put on make up, how to drive, how to love, how to be a good wife and mom, and most importantly, how to love the Lord. You are my baby. I am so excited to see what you will become. Will you be a teacher? Will you be a missionary? A doctor? A baker? I know God has a plan for your life and I will do my part to make sure you know how much He loves you and knows His perfect plan for you. I will never give up on you my sweetest. I love you. 

Love forever,
your mommy

The beginning

This is the beginning. The beginning of a New Year, a new me, a new blog. Ok, well this is the first blog I have ever written. Well perhaps first I should explain why I am starting a blog. My life has changed so much in the past year. I have celebrated my first anniversary with my wonderful husband, I have had a baby, I have moved to Carrollton from Douglasville, then back to my home town of Hiram. With all of the new things happening everyday, I have decided I want to keep track of what is happening in my life.

So, let's start with some new things for this year. I have made quite a few resolutions this year. 1.) I want to be a better mommy. I am still learning about motherhood and balancing my life and everyday presents new triumphs, new struggles, new joys, new hardships. But through all of it, I want to be the best mom I can be. I love my darling Xoe Grace and want to always be the best I can be for her. 2.) I want to complete my 2nd and 3rd semesters of college. I currently am taking online classes at Western Governors University online and I am enjoying feeling accomplishment and success as I go through my courses. 3.) I want to grow spiritually. This seems like an obvious thing, but I really am having a difficult time balancing all of this. I am going to read my Bible during nap times, even if that means I don't get a nap or a shower that day. 4.) I want to minimize my debt. I am trying to pay everything on time and get caught up to where I should be. 5.) I guess would be that I want to be a better wife. I want to be more patient (which Jason would tell you is definitely my weakness!)

I think in general I just want this year to really be different. I am 22 and things are starting to get hectic in our lives. We have a child, jobs, marriage, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, sleep, money, time, etc. that we have to learn to balance. I have to be different this year! I know I can do it!!